Four Components of Compassionate Communication by Theresa and Jon

Compassionate Communication is a specific approach developed by Marshall Rosenberg that facilitates the flow of communication necessary for exchanging information and resolving differences peacefully. We have all learned many forms of life-alienating communication that lead us to speak and act in ways that harm ourselves and others. Compassionate Communication is a way of speaking that encourages us to use language that increases goodwill and to avoid language that leads to resentment or lowers self-esteem. There are four components involved in creating Compassionate Communication.

Component 1:
Separating observation from evaluation. For most of us, it is difficult to make observations of people and their behavior that is free from judgment, comparison, and interpretation. However, when we mix observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood of others hearing our intended message and increase the likelihood that they will resist what we are saying. An observation like, “When you don’t pick up your clothes, I get frustrated” creates less resistance and defensiveness than a judgment like, “Your laziness frustrates me.” Here is a stanza from a poem that reflects this beautifully: “If you want to confuse any issue/ I can tell you how to do it/ Mix together what I do/ with how you react to it.”

Component 2:
Express how we are feeling. Many people do not know how to become aware of feelings, let alone how to express them. Our repertoire of words for judging and interpreting others is often far larger than our vocabulary of words that clearly describe our emotional states. In Compassionate Communication, we  distinguish between words that express actual feeling (I feel irritated, discouraged, sad, grateful) and those that reflect thoughts (“I feel you should know better” or “I feel inadequate”). We learn to pay attention to how we are feeling in relation to what we are actually observing.
“I got hurt when you didn’t call.” Typically we avoid or suppress our feelings or let them out with such intensity that they overwhelm the other. Unless we know what we are feeling, we cannot move onto the third component, our needs.

Component 3:
Acknowledging the needs behind the feelings. Our feelings are directly connected to our needs. When we don’t get a phone call from a friend, we get hurt because we have a need to be cared for, or when the room is messy, we get angry because we have a need for order that isn’t being met. Too often people will say what they are feeling, but not take it to the next step of acknowledging their need. If I say, “I am angry with you” and leave it there, it does not let you know what is really going on with me. However, if I tell you, “I am angry because I need to spend more time with you,” there is a better chance for connection because I am acknowledging what I need and you know more about what you can do. A common pattern is to find fault with others instead of expressing our need. An example is to call someone insensitive instead of saying “I need attention.”

Component 4:
Making a request. The clearer we are about what we are wanting, the more likely we will get it. An essential principle in Compassionate Communication is to learn to make requests and not demands. Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We cannot really give to someone if we feel coerced. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly. The steps in Compassionate Communication are very straight forward and simple, and the effect on relationship is profound. If you would like to learn more about this approach, check out the workshop being offered at the Center.